It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers.

By Colin Nissan from Timothy McSweeney's.

I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I'm about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it's gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There's a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I'm going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, "Aren't those gourds straining your neck?" And I'm just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, "It's fall, fuckfaces. You're either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you're not."

Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing a all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Diff'rent Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn't it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they're both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that's upsetting, but I'm not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.

The next thing I'm going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I'm going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it's not summer, it's not winter, and it's not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it's fall, fuckers.

Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you're going to fucking love my house. Just look where you're walking or you'll get KO'd by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you're going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.

For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.

Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!

Read More Books: Fahrenheit 451

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

This fantastic dystopian novel is a disturbing read in the sense that its message is as relevant today as when it was first published in 1953. The reality of the present described in the book, one of censorship and a totalitarian regime where books and ideas are the enemy, seems to exist in a future not-so-distant. A must-read.

Battle Snakes: Bike Party from Jam Space Party

Gonna Be a Blackout Tonight

The best times happen when you take it back to basics. Late-night post-show party/show at the Battle Snakes' jam space. Dead Voices and Battle Snakes each banged out a few songs and then there was a rotating cast of characters. Check out Battle Snakes on Facebook to see more pics. No rest for the wicked.

Just Eat Your Sandwich

Exerpt from Punknews.org chat with Thrice

Fan Question: i expected Beggars to be like The Artist in the Ambulance
i guess im kinda disappointed

Dustin Kensrue: Why would you expect that? I would be disappointed too. Sorry. Why don't you just listen to this one for what it is for a little while and see what you think. If I expect a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and bite into a tuna-melt, I'm gonna be a little weirded out. But then I will say, "Oh, I like tuna melts even better. Maybe I should just eat my sandwich and not wish it was something else."

Sainthood - Tegan and Sara

"Sainthood", Tegan and Sara's latest record, is now streaming on their myspace until its release next Tuesday, October 27. Check it out here.

STW: Oct 19 - 25

The Grave Life's Last Show Ever :(
w/In Bear Country's First Show Ever and Party at the Moontower
Thursday, Oct 22
@ Media Club



Battle Snakes
w/Hot Blood Bombers, Miesha and the Spanks
Thursday, Oct 22
@ Pat's Pub



The Jesus Lizard
Saturday, Oct 24
@ Commodore Ballroom

Heather Gabel

I have been a fan of Heather Gabel's (formerly Heather Hannoura) since her work with Alkaline Trio (she came up with the infamous heart skull logo). Since then, she's done countless art pieces, merch/poster designs and crafty items. I ordered a silkscreened print of a collaboration she did with Horsebites, and it arrived today well packaged and with a hand-written thank you note. Class act, and will look great on my wall. It's on sale right now in her webstore (of course like a week after I bought at full price) so if you want some cool art at a great price, pick it up!

Check her out here.

Sober People Can Be Fun

Liam and Mikey of the face-melting Cancer Bats giving a hilarious interview at this year's Sonisphere Festival. I'm posting this slightly dated video to remind you all that Cancer Bats rule, and to tide us over as we eagerly await their new album. According to the ever-reliable Twitter, recording is done!

Birthday Boys

I have been discovering a lot of killer bands lately outside of my usual punk/rock/hardcore comfort zone that I'd like to share with you all.


First up, Birthday Boys from Ontario. I have yet to see this band live but I have a feeling they will slay it when I do. Harmonies, blazing guitars and some piano thrown in make for some great alt-rock anthems that will have you tapping your foot and singing along. I'm a believer in letting the music speak for itself, so check them out here.

Sometimes I rule.

I love Manchester Orchestra.  Their latest record "Mean Everything to Nothing" has been a constant fixture in my headphones and despite seeing them three times in the past few months (once headlining at a small club and twice with Silversun Pickups), I had been feeling an intense desire to see them again.  Absolutely amazing live.  Somehow I flailed and forgot that they were opening for Brand New, and while I love Brand New, I just didn't think I could make it work to trek down to Seattle for the show.  I was kindly reminded that MO was supporting BN this morning... and somehow managed to borrow a car, get tickets to the show, square it with work to leave early-ish, and get a shift I was supposed to work that night covered, all in about an hour.  Soon, my dream will be realized.  Trying not to think about the three hour drive there, the border, the three hour drive back in the dark of night, arriving home insanely late, and then getting up for work a few hours after that.  Really though, would I ever let myself miss this show?
 

STW: Oct 13 - 18

Though I did nothing that would constitute "Thanksgiving-ing", I did enjoy the extra day off. Here are some shows to check out this week.

Monsters of Folk
f. Conor Oberst (Bright Eyes), Mike Mogis (Bright Eyes), Yim Yames (aka Jim James from My Morning Jacket), and M. Ward
Tuesday, Oct 13
@ Commodore Ballroom
*This is a 3-hour, collaborative set, so get there early!

Satyricon
Wednesday, Oct 14
@ The Rickshaw Theatre

Slipknot
w/Deftones
Thursday, Oct 15
@ Pacific Coliseum

Battle Snakes Spring Tour 09

Better late than never? Old footage featuring a new song. And it doesn't match up, deal with it.

Bike Party EP December 2009!

Sometimes the World Smiles Upon You

Last night, while walking home from Bouncing Souls/Youth Brigade/Saint Alvia/Off With Their Heads, I had a stroke of good luck. The show was at The Rickshaw, which is a great new venue but in the scummiest part of town. I live, work and play in East Van, so I walk with my head down, mostly to scan my route for dog poo/needles/random junkie paraphernalia, and admittedly, avoid eye contact with strangers (read: socially awkward). My sharp eyes (with the help of very strong contacts) spotted what looked like a $5 bill on the ground. It was actually a $5 bill and two $20 bills! $45! The irony of this find two blocks from the most cracked-out corner of town (Main & Hastings) was not lost on me, and yes, I did feel a bit bad for rejoicing in this windfall despite not really needing the money, but it was 1am, there was no one around, and I was having a shitty day. Hooray for me.

Trick or Treat

Time to start thinking about those costumes people. I have yet to personally know someone whose costume has been as epic as my friend's Bender costume. He works in metal fab. and his getup was so accurate and amazing, I spent most of Halloween in awe.

My costume this year...

The Take Away Shows

The Take Away Shows are an amazing concept developed by La Blogotheque in Paris. Unusually staged, live performances are filmed in one take in a variety of locations, offering the viewer a unique and intimate performance existing somewhere between a live concert and music video. The videos allow people to experience the true genius and artistry of the artists, when all the bells and whistles are stripped away, and you are left with simply the artists, their talent, and their songs.

Two of my favourites:

Arcade Fire - "Neon Bible" in a freight elevator & "Wake Up" in the middle of the crowd.

Cold War Kids - "St. John" backstage of a television studio

Pilot Speed/Pilate

Oct 5
@ The Biltmore Cabaret

Pilot Speed myspace.

Arj Barker

One of my favourite comedians. You may recognize him from such roles as "Dave" on Flight of the Conchords, but his stand-up comedy is lolz-arious. He was just here recently as part of the Comedy Fest and I laughed until I cried. Below is one of my favourite bits, watch the whole thing, he saved the best for last.

Shows This Week

Pilot Speed
w/Elias, Jason Bajada
Monday, Oct 5
@ The Biltmore Cabaret

Bouncing Souls
w/Youth Brigade, Saint Alvia, Off With Their Heads

Wednesday, Oct 7
@ The Rickshaw Theatre

A Wilhelm Scream
w/Living With Lions, The Riot Before, The Artist Life

Friday, Oct 9
@ The Rickshaw Theatre

Gogol Bordello
Friday, Oct 9 & Saturday, Oct 10

@ Vogue Theatre

Juliette Lewis
Sunday, Oct 11
@ Commodore Ballroom

A.I.M.

The key to un-boring video updates according to Against Me!.

Something about Tom Gabel playing the organ with those long, spindle-y fingers...

New Books

I got some new presents in the mail today! I like to ignore the fact that the cost of them goes on my credit card and pretend some benevolent fellow nerd sent me some books to enjoy. Is that sort of like sending yourself a Valentine's Day card?

On Tour: Living With Lions

My good friends and punk rock warriors Living With Lions are heading out on another marathon tour with the killer A Wilhelm Scream and The Riot Before, including a stop at Fest 8! So jealous. Check 'em out coming to a town near you! And while you're at it, pick up a copy of "Make Your Mark" out on Adeline in the U.S. and Blackbox in Canada.

w/In Bear Country
Oct 3 - Corky’s Pub 19+/Chilliwack , BC

w/A Wilhelm Scream, The Riot Before
Oct 9 - Rickshaw Theater/Vancouver, BC
Oct 10 - Studio Seven/Seattle, WA
Oct 11 - Satyricon/Portland, OR
Oct 13 - Thee Parkside/San Francisco, CA
Oct 16 - Knitting Factory/Los Angeles, CA
Oct 17 - Slidebar/Fullerton, CA
Oct 19 - Modified Arts/Pheonix, AZ
Oct 21 - Rock Bottom/San Antonio, TX
Oct 22 - Emo’s/Austin, TX
Oct 23 - Prophet Bar/Dallas, TX
Oct 24 - Meridian Red Room/Houston, TX
Oct 25 - Good Times Tavern/Houma, LA
Oct 26 - Gallery 13/Columbus, GA
Oct 28 - Backbooth/Orlando, FL
Oct 29 - Churchills Pub/Miami, FL

FEST 8
w/Crime in Stereo, Protagonist
Oct 30 - FEST 8 @ Bar 1982/Gainesville, FL

w/A Wilhelm Scream, The Riot Before
Nov 1 - Landshark Cafe/Jacksonville, FL
Nov 4 - Ottobar/Baltimore, MD
Nov 5 - The Fire/Philadelphia, PN
Nov 6 - Knitting Factory/Brooklyn, NY
Nov 7 - Jerky’s Bar/Providence, RI